“Will all moms in the congregation today stand up so we can honor you?” (applause)

Ever experienced this tradition at church on Mother’s Day? I’ve seen it many times and at first I liked the idea until the years began to pass when once again the women to the right and left of me stood up while I just continued to sit there; applauding them for something my body should be able to do too – have a baby. For those of us not invited to stand up, at least for me in these mother’s day stand ups, I feel like an incomplete woman. The scarlet letter “I” for infertility blazes across my brow reminding me and others who know about our unfortunate situation. Talk about an awkward moment that hangs onto my psyche through worship time and the remainder of the day.

I’m glad when mother’s day is over honestly. I’m also glad that I haven’t seen this tradition for a few years now since moving overseas. But my heart goes out to the multitude of women I know who still have to sit there feeling incomplete, in the literal shadow of women whose reproductive parts work. Some of these infertile women have stopped attending the church building on Mother’s Day altogether and I totally understand. (just an FYI to any pastor out there reading this).

The tradition of having mothers stand up to be applauded has its shallow beauty at first glance, but yet is extremely insensitive the more you think about it. I’ve always thought about how hypocritical it is for the institution of church to honor mothers of children who are alive, and yet ignore the women in the congregation who have just had a miscarriage. Strange for a pro-life institution that boldly proclaims that life begins at conception. What about these grieving women? Can they stand up too – or would that be too weird? Do their babies count on mother’s day? How do our pro-life banners and election day votes influence our thoughts about them during the Mother’s Day stand up? Will the woman who just lost her fetus at 8 weeks get the reward for being the mother to the congregation’s youngest child? Probably not, better to ignore her tragically induced pain and give the carnation adorned with baby’s breath to the woman breastfeeding her 3 week old infant in the 5th row, smile, and sing Hymn #339 It is Well with My Soul (while the proverbial frog in my throat and the tears begin to swell and I feel stupid for once again crying, hoping no one sees me).

What about mothers of stillborns? Failed adoptions? Runaways? What about foster moms? Spiritual moms? Single women who long to get married and have babies? Or even more simple; pregnant women? Do their developing babies count?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a crabby old infertile filled with bitterness and unforgiveness. I just always like to think through WHY we do the things we do, especially in church. Because traditions can hurt those that we should be comforting.

We see in the gospels over and over Jesus outwardly showing compassion for the down and out – for the unfortunate ones, the miserable ones. He makes a point to highlight their struggles in his encounters, parable tellings, and in his prayers. He doesn’t cover up awkward things. He doesn’t pay attention to the ‘normal’ ‘way it should be’ situations. Instead he left us an example to reach out to the hurting ones and show them a bit of the Mothering heart of God. Afterall, God is both Father and Mother.

If you would like to read more on this, here is another link to a blog post I recommend: http://messymiddle.com/2012/05/10/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/